I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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