i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
