I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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