Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I checked into jail on foursquare
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
