Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
