Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
