i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
