Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
