Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
