I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
50% drunk capacity currently
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
