1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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