Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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