Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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