Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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