Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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