We need to rekindle our bromance
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
