wakey wakey hands off snakey
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
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I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
so much tequila, so little girl.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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