I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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