I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
