The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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