a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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