who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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