I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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