Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
