So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
