he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
false alarm, still single
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
