you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
