I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You're completely useless in the revolution.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it because I queefed?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
