I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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