I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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