all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
