bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
