Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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