oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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