this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The ass gains better be worth it
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