she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he wants to bone in the snuggie
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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