why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
