So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I will pee on everything he values.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
