3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
