The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
