96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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