I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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