i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
