mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
