Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's Friday. Sex?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
