im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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