Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
