Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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