Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
