i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
