she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
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A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
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I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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