Where are you?
In a non slutty way
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
