I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
