Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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