Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We smell like vodka and hangover
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
