So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
