She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Randomize
