I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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