Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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