I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
