I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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